But I also do my very best to hide it and pretend it will all go away in time.
Lately I've been having arguments with my husband, some small, some big. Mostly over housework and the lack of it for quite some time. He'd gotten to the point of thinking that I'd gotten lazy.
Why? Because even though he's my husband and the one I should be able to talk to about anything at all, I was ashamed and embarrassed that he would know anything was wrong. He knew about the anxiety but not the depression. I guess I didn't want to appear weak, or imperfect...
I want to bare all and tell people how I feel. If they can't handle what I've got to say, well, in my opinion that's their problem. Those who care about me I know will not think any differently of me. In explaining myself I hope that someone is helped to know that they're not the only one, or maybe even recognize signs in themselves that they may be depressed or suffering from anxiety and seek support and help.
My anxiety presents itself as uncontrollable clenching of my stomach muscles, making them sore and giving me cramps. This has lessened over 4 months since I've been taking Lovan (generic Prozac), but I will be getting assertive and asking the doctor at my next review to look again at my medication options, as with further stress being added lately, the clenching is also affecting my lower jaw, resulting in of course a sore jaw, with referred pain from earaches, sore sinus cavities and tension headaches. All the breathing exercises in the world do not unfortunately deal with the physical symptoms very well. I also have what seems to be a permanent "fight or flight reflex" feeling, I simply cannot relax any parts of my body, like a tightly coiled spring ready for action. It is actually quite an exhausting experience.
Another thing that occurs is your brain not allowing you to sleep at night. All sorts of weird and wonderful thoughts run through your head, not unlike what it's like for the kids on Christmas Eve and that excitement, but it very quickly gets old and the lack of good quality sleep takes its' toll on your immune system. Someone like me who rarely gets ill, I seem to be constantly aching now or have blocked sinuses for no apparent reason. I take immune boosting supplements to counteract this. You can have "dreams' when you're awake and they are often quite weird. You become obsessed with thinking something is going to happen to your loved ones if they're a few minutes late, you imagine they've been in a car accident or something. Quite a lot of illogical thought processes.
It's not the same for everyone. Someone very close to me has anxiety and with them it presents as making them breathless, gasping as they can't breathe in deeply. Some people will suffer panic attacks, especially in public places, an awful feeling as you feel 'prickly' and hot, cold, and like fainting all at the same time. Your heart races and you don't begin to feel better until you can remove yourself from the situation.
With my Depression, when my doctor asked me if I thought I was depressed, my answer was No. I think even then I was in denial, but it's gone past the point of no return, I can't deny it any longer. Or perhaps it's only come about lately, I don't know, it probably snuck up on me.
I should have realized the signs, I've been down the depression road before..
You lose interest in activities you normally enjoy, for me I can't remember the last time I picked up my cross stitch, which makes me sad as it's a birth sampler for my adorable nephew, and I'm needing to finish his before he turns 1, then I have 2 more to do for my gorgeous nieces born last week. My head says do it, but something just makes me not pick it up. I'm a diehard facebook addict too, love to play games and socialize, but I've even lost the enjoyment in my games now at times it feels like a chore. I don't chat to people, comment or write on their Walls much anymore. It's not them, it's definitely me! I have lots of great ideas for projects but not the motivation necessary to get them off the ground. The smallest most insignificant things will either make you cry or feel like you want to but nothing comes out. It may be easier to let it out for some, I probably quite dumbly hold it in because crying gives me a migraine! Sometimes you feel like crying for no apparent reason at all.
I'm staying home more and not wanting to be around people too much lately, not really wanting to communicate, and yes dear husband, I have for sure been letting the house, and myself to a point, go.
I could blame it on the heat, school holidays, kids driving me mad etc etc. While these may be a contributing factor to my overall feelings of wellbeing, they aren't the cause. I've basically stopped caring about myself and the housework. I don't want to feel that way, I'd like to know if someone dropped over unannounced that the house wouldn't be a tip I'd be embarrassed about. While it's not that bad, mainly messy piles of dishes, it's certainly no health hazard, but I still hate it. I hate it but I can't seem to "fix" it, not to my usual standards. It doesn't stop me caring about others, for which I am very grateful, and I bet so is my family.
I'm taking little steps, doing a little at a time, and with hubby's help, as he now knows how I feel. Not sure he actually understands as such, but he knows. He knows after 10 years this is not like me to allow mess and knows now, even if it took an argument to bring it to a head, that I haven't suddenly become lazy.
And the next time I go back to the doctor I'll be telling her I also have depression. I will be seeking further support. I won't be scared or ashamed any more to admit my faults, until they're recognized, I can't better myself.
I'm going to stop pretending everything is OK. Let's see who else is 'real' enough to accept all I've said and not think of me any differently.
