I have been overweight for a long time, for many reasons. Some will assume it's due purely to laziness and overeating, eating the wrong foods. While these issues will crop up for EVERYBODY at one time or another, there are other reasons people can get stuck in the vicious cycle of weight gain. These are not excuses in any way, nor are they justifications for gaining weight.
But, weight gain happens.
For the past 10 months I have been losing weight, not much had changed at the start but I believe I may have started losing weight due to going off the contraceptive needle and the hormones working their way out of my body. This of course has been a positive change for me after struggling for years with my weight plateauing. It's given me the push to work harder than just all the walking that I do, due to not being able to drive.
So, I've been going to the gym. A big step for anyone, let alone for someone who is living with a social anxiety disorder. Taking yourself out of your comfort zone, out of your 'safe place', is not an easy task, when you'd rather be 'hiding' at home.
Social anxiety, indeed any form of anxiety, for me at least, makes you sometimes not want to be around/see/communicate with the entire human race pretty much. The fact that at my gym, if I want I can just put my head down and get on with it, suits me fine, if I want to chat, they know I'll initiate it. For the past few weeks I have forced myself into this situation but as they're understanding, it's getting easier. A gym with no men or mirrors helps too!
So I have been getting out of my comfort zone with the gym and last night, trying a boxing lesson with a PT with the Yummy Mummies group. To say I bit off more than I can chew is rather an understatement! You have the usual feelings of inadequacy surrounded by slim, trim ladies, but add to that the fact that they're strangers and you're in a front yard and there's so many of them? I could feel the panic building before I even got out of the car, but I was determined to give it all I could possibly give.
Naive me, I thought we were just punching pads for an hour! There was a very hard workout beforehand, and I felt buoyed by the fact that I wasn't the only one that was finding it difficult.
There were some exercises on the circuit that I felt I physically could not do, but I did find other ways to keep moving. I felt like it was very unfair to the others if I was standing around not doing it!
What I wasn't expecting was tears, I'm guessing out of frustration with myself and wishing I can do everything, to fit in. The funny thing about being part of the Yummy Mummies is it's kinda like that one disapproving aunt we all have...I don't want to do anything to get them cranky LOL, that's some motivation for you ;)
The awesome Danni, whose first time it was also (never would have guessed though!), talked me off the ledge so to speak and her encouragement kept me going. Being a big girl herself, she seems to really understand how I was feeling.
All went ok for a while, we were partners when we got to the boxing part, that was fun, until I threw up !!
That might have been the bit that upset me the most, strange as that seems. The thing you have to understand about a person with a social anxiety issue throwing themselves into a group of strangers with no escape is we fear the embarrassment, humiliation and being negatively judged.
So of course throwing up brought even less eye contact with everyone afterwards and I struggled with sleep last night stressing over "what must they think of me now?".
And I gave up. I felt bad for giving up, so I think that should count. I took the day off gym today and I don't feel the least bit guilty about it. I will go back tomorrow.
So, why all this? Because I have the best support system and encouragement, there are also those out there who have and will judge me, think I'm making excuses, think I'm not serious....
Well, all I can say is fuck you! You DON'T live my life, you DON'T walk in my shoes, you clearly have no understanding.
This is MY journey, if it takes a long time, so be it. It's not your concern. I WILL do it, with or without your opinions. I'm going to do what works for
ME
