Send money please haha!

So, Georgia has now decided that she's not going on the netball tour this year. Breathe small sigh of relief as I had no idea how I'd save for that in time!
Since then I've figured out what I'd like to do when I grow up. I'm going to pierce peoples' body parts with sharp instruments ;)
Hey at least I shouldn't get any tattoo or piercing discrimination in this line of work. So, on the advice of a fellow Blogger, I've signed up for my own online donation page.
You never know your luck, right? LOL might be some big sugar Daddy out there....

Here's the link :


http://www.gofundme.com/bodypiercing

Judge yourself before you judge me

This is a post not only for my very wonderful supporters, but also for the ones who think they have the right to criticize me.

I have been overweight for a long time, for many reasons. Some will assume it's due purely to laziness and overeating, eating the wrong foods. While these issues will crop up for EVERYBODY at one time or another, there are other reasons people can get stuck in the vicious cycle of weight gain. These are not excuses in any way, nor are they justifications for gaining weight.

But, weight gain happens.

For the past 10 months I have been losing weight, not much had changed at the start but I believe I may have started losing weight due to going off the contraceptive needle and the hormones working their way out of my body. This of course has been a positive change for me after struggling for years with my weight plateauing. It's given me the push to work harder than just all the walking that I do, due to not being able to drive.

So, I've been going to the gym. A big step for anyone, let alone for someone who is living with a social anxiety disorder. Taking yourself out of your comfort zone, out of your 'safe place', is not an easy task, when you'd rather be 'hiding' at home.

Social anxiety, indeed any form of anxiety, for me at least, makes you sometimes not want to be around/see/communicate with the entire human race pretty much. The fact that at my gym, if I want I can just put my head down and get on with it, suits me fine, if I want to chat, they know I'll initiate it. For the past few weeks I have forced myself into this situation but as they're understanding, it's getting easier. A gym with no men or mirrors helps too!

So I have been getting out of my comfort zone with the gym and last night, trying a boxing lesson with a PT with the Yummy Mummies group. To say I bit off more than I can chew is rather an understatement! You have the usual feelings of inadequacy surrounded by slim, trim ladies, but add to that the fact that they're strangers and you're in a front yard and there's so many of them? I could feel the panic building before I even got out of the car, but I was determined to give it all I could possibly give.

Naive me, I thought we were just punching pads for an hour! There was a very hard workout beforehand, and I felt buoyed by the fact that I wasn't the only one that was finding it difficult.

There were some exercises on the circuit that I felt I physically could not do, but I did find other ways to keep moving. I felt like it was very unfair to the others if I was standing around not doing it!

What I wasn't expecting was tears, I'm guessing out of frustration with myself and wishing I can do everything, to fit in. The funny thing about being part of the Yummy Mummies is it's kinda like that one disapproving aunt we all have...I don't want to do anything to get them cranky LOL, that's some motivation for you ;)

The awesome Danni, whose first time it was also (never would have guessed though!), talked me off the ledge so to speak and her encouragement kept me going. Being a big girl herself, she seems to really understand how I was feeling.

All went ok for a while, we were partners when we got to the boxing part, that was fun, until I threw up !!

That might have been the bit that upset me the most, strange as that seems. The thing you have to understand about a person with a social anxiety issue throwing themselves into a group of strangers with no escape is we fear the embarrassment, humiliation and being negatively judged.

So of course throwing up brought even less eye contact with everyone afterwards and I struggled with sleep last night stressing over "what must they think of me now?".

And I gave up. I felt bad for giving up, so I think that should count. I took the day off gym today and I don't feel the least bit guilty about it. I will go back tomorrow.

So, why all this? Because I have the best support system and encouragement, there are also those out there who have and will judge me, think I'm making excuses, think I'm not serious....

Well, all I can say is fuck you! You DON'T live my life, you DON'T walk in my shoes, you clearly have no understanding.

This is MY journey, if it takes a long time, so be it. It's not your concern. I WILL do it, with or without your opinions. I'm going to do what works for

ME

Travel In My Future!

Well, it's been a while since I blogged...I guess I have Brenda to thank for posting her photography blog on facebook, forcing me to sign in and follow it ;)

Not much to report, but I'm waiting for some money to magically appear in my account so I can buy airplane tickets.

Georgia and I will be off to hot, sunny, humid, sticky Cairns next month, to stay with childhood friend/sister Sandra. Her daughter is turning 18, the same weekend Georgia turns sweet 16 ;)

Should be interesting to test my tolerance of a bunch of pissed 18 year olds LOL.

Also will be catching up with dads' side of the family, a lot of which now live in Cairns. I predict I may not remember who's who! It has been 23 years since I've seen any of them.

Sandra will also take us over to Green Island to show us where she works as a chef.

The only thing I'm not looking forward to is the heat *groan*..

Finding the balance

Ok so it's been about 4 months since my last blog. Thought I would update from my last post "When it all comes to a head - Anxiety and Depression".

I have been prescribed another medication for my A & D, bruxism, I'm now taking Cymbalta. I did my research on the medication before I started taking it, of course the only opinions good and bad seem to come from the U.S. but I had to weigh the pros and cons of the possible side effects and the risk of addiction.

Some of it was scary reading, but I really had to decide for myself, do I really want to keep 'existing' the way I was, or actually 'live'?

For me it has been the best decision I have ever made, the best risk I've ever had the courage to take. Although it's not a cure, no medication is, in conjunction with counselling and treatment from a psychologist, I have overcome my life-crippling fear of stairs and escalators, been able to let go of a lot of anger and hurt from my childhood and early adulthood. I still occasionally experience pain and some periods of panic, but the instances are becoming far less frequent.

My brain has shut up at night so I can sleep too, the sleep-deprivation that was coming from that was having an effect on me physically, mentally, emotionally and also on my immune system. I daresay I have many expensive visits to the dentist in the coming years due to the damage done by the bruxism, so I guess the next thing I'll have to work on is my absolute fear, no, TERROR, about dentists..not the people themselves, or the equipment (apart from the cartoonishly huge needle they use), just the thought of anything being done in there.

Has made me wonder if I might have some slight tendencies towards another condition, I have this 'thing' about anything touching my face, neck, mouth etc. Weird huh?

But in closing I guess I can sum the last few months up by saying I've learnt a lot about myself, my logical thinking process, how much crap I will put up with, that I have a voice and will use it when I need to, whether you like what I have to say or not!, basically I'm becoming the "me" I think I was always meant to be and I am feeling wonderful ;)

When it all comes to a head - Anxiety & Depression

Confession time..for those who have no idea, I have anxiety and depression. I know it, I thought I'd accepted it, I take medication for it.

But I also do my very best to hide it and pretend it will all go away in time.

Lately I've been having arguments with my husband, some small, some big. Mostly over housework and the lack of it for quite some time. He'd gotten to the point of thinking that I'd gotten lazy.

Why? Because even though he's my husband and the one I should be able to talk to about anything at all, I was ashamed and embarrassed that he would know anything was wrong. He knew about the anxiety but not the depression. I guess I didn't want to appear weak, or imperfect...

I want to bare all and tell people how I feel. If they can't handle what I've got to say, well, in my opinion that's their problem. Those who care about me I know will not think any differently of me. In explaining myself I hope that someone is helped to know that they're not the only one, or maybe even recognize signs in themselves that they may be depressed or suffering from anxiety and seek support and help.

My anxiety presents itself as uncontrollable clenching of my stomach muscles, making them sore and giving me cramps. This has lessened over 4 months since I've been taking Lovan (generic Prozac), but I will be getting assertive and asking the doctor at my next review to look again at my medication options, as with further stress being added lately, the clenching is also affecting my lower jaw, resulting in of course a sore jaw, with referred pain from earaches, sore sinus cavities and tension headaches. All the breathing exercises in the world do not unfortunately deal with the physical symptoms very well. I also have what seems to be a permanent "fight or flight reflex" feeling, I simply cannot relax any parts of my body, like a tightly coiled spring ready for action. It is actually quite an exhausting experience.

Another thing that occurs is your brain not allowing you to sleep at night. All sorts of weird and wonderful thoughts run through your head, not unlike what it's like for the kids on Christmas Eve and that excitement, but it very quickly gets old and the lack of good quality sleep takes its' toll on your immune system. Someone like me who rarely gets ill, I seem to be constantly aching now or have blocked sinuses for no apparent reason. I take immune boosting supplements to counteract this. You can have "dreams' when you're awake and they are often quite weird. You become obsessed with thinking something is going to happen to your loved ones if they're a few minutes late, you imagine they've been in a car accident or something. Quite a lot of illogical thought processes.

It's not the same for everyone. Someone very close to me has anxiety and with them it presents as making them breathless, gasping as they can't breathe in deeply. Some people will suffer panic attacks, especially in public places, an awful feeling as you feel 'prickly' and hot, cold, and like fainting all at the same time. Your heart races and you don't begin to feel better until you can remove yourself from the situation.

With my Depression, when my doctor asked me if I thought I was depressed, my answer was No. I think even then I was in denial, but it's gone past the point of no return, I can't deny it any longer. Or perhaps it's only come about lately, I don't know, it probably snuck up on me.

I should have realized the signs, I've been down the depression road before..

You lose interest in activities you normally enjoy, for me I can't remember the last time I picked up my cross stitch, which makes me sad as it's a birth sampler for my adorable nephew, and I'm needing to finish his before he turns 1, then I have 2 more to do for my gorgeous nieces born last week. My head says do it, but something just makes me not pick it up. I'm a diehard facebook addict too, love to play games and socialize, but I've even lost the enjoyment in my games now at times it feels like a chore. I don't chat to people, comment or write on their Walls much anymore. It's not them, it's definitely me! I have lots of great ideas for projects but not the motivation necessary to get them off the ground. The smallest most insignificant things will either make you cry or feel like you want to but nothing comes out. It may be easier to let it out for some, I probably quite dumbly hold it in because crying gives me a migraine! Sometimes you feel like crying for no apparent reason at all.

I'm staying home more and not wanting to be around people too much lately, not really wanting to communicate, and yes dear husband, I have for sure been letting the house, and myself to a point, go.

I could blame it on the heat, school holidays, kids driving me mad etc etc. While these may be a contributing factor to my overall feelings of wellbeing, they aren't the cause. I've basically stopped caring about myself and the housework. I don't want to feel that way, I'd like to know if someone dropped over unannounced that the house wouldn't be a tip I'd be embarrassed about. While it's not that bad, mainly messy piles of dishes, it's certainly no health hazard, but I still hate it. I hate it but I can't seem to "fix" it, not to my usual standards. It doesn't stop me caring about others, for which I am very grateful, and I bet so is my family.

I'm taking little steps, doing a little at a time, and with hubby's help, as he now knows how I feel. Not sure he actually understands as such, but he knows. He knows after 10 years this is not like me to allow mess and knows now, even if it took an argument to bring it to a head, that I haven't suddenly become lazy.

And the next time I go back to the doctor I'll be telling her I also have depression. I will be seeking further support. I won't be scared or ashamed any more to admit my faults, until they're recognized, I can't better myself.

I'm going to stop pretending everything is OK. Let's see who else is 'real' enough to accept all I've said and not think of me any differently.

A funny thing to see...I hope someone got to enjoy it!!!

Well, it's that time again...Council junk pick-up. Many a treasure can be spied on the side of the road, with a mental note attached to return later to collect it, quite often it'll be gone, but sometimes you get lucky.

One sunny Saturday morning on the way to drop off my Avon order, we spotted a heavily pregnant woman struggling to put stuff out on the footpath. We stopped to see if she was ok and of course, had a sticky beak at what she had ;). There was a rather nice tall chest of melamine drawers in very good condition, couldn't pass them up...

So after managing to fit the box for the trampoline in the boot back in June, we were still mystified that a couple of weeks ago an ironing board wouldn't fit so it was no great surprise that of course these drawers also didn't fit. The drawers themselves were tossed in the back seat, the main body of the chest in the boot...but of course we have no rope.

Luckily it's only a few streets away, so the slow drive with the boot lid up was interesting, keeping an eye out for the police ;).

Not so exciting, I know. The next find is what had us all in stitches late one night..

The story so far : We gained a guinea pig hutch thanks to a school friend, Jo. We thought we'd modify it a bit before jumping in and getting the caveys straight away. A pair of wheels down one end for ease of relocation around the yard as they kill the grass, a handle to manoeuvre it around, covering some of the sharp edges on the chicken wire after Jasmine and Pixie have both been using it as an outdoor chaise lounge.

Dean thought this was the perfect opportunity to scavenge some free wheels, maybe off a discarded mower or something.

Late on the weekend we were coming back from a nice nights' barbecue at Redcliffe, we took the 'scenic route' close to home, to have more of a look. Ever the connoisseur of crap collecting, his eagle eyes spotted a 3 wheeler pram. Mostly in great condition if I ever had any use for it, only the front wheel was broken, guess they couldn't be arsed getting a new wheel.

I joked with Georgia when he got out of the car "betcha he can't figure out how to fold the pram up now, you watch LOL"....

So he gets back in the car, we're thinking he's leaving it behind, maybe it wasn't good enough. He's laughing as he tries to talk...He's pulled the pram alongside the car, put the window down, holding onto the handlebars and off we drive!!!!!

OMG we're all literally pissing ourselves laughing, can't breathe, all we can think about is, 'Gee, this would really look funny if anyone was watching' and 'wonder if someone will call the cops, thinking there's a baby in the pram'. It was only a couple of streets away, but I was sure he was gonna lose it on the dumb little traffic-calming-stupid roundabouts, but he did very well...

I only wish the ride had lasted longer!

Don't hate me cos I'm awesome!....oh alright then, go ahead!

Do you know people like this...people who can't seem to stand you, anything you do, how you raise your kids with manners and moral standards, how your family is actually functional, how you have a decent bloke who loves you and who's a great husband/father/handy around the house/doesn't cheat on you, how you dress appropriately for your body type even if they don't, how you wear a bra when company arrives, how you breathe oxygen...but on the same hand, strive to BE you at the same time
?

I do.

I sometimes refer to them unaffectionately as the 'xerox stalker'. It used to be my ex' and his mates' nickname, as one would do something, the other of them would of course, have to copy them and vice versa. Seems the baton has passed to a new runner! (My closest friends and family know EXACTLY who I'm speaking of ). They are the typical two-faced type, nice as sugar to your face, the minute they're 5 metres away it's bitch bitch bitch!

Sometimes they pop up randomly if I've commented on a mutual 'friends' status...like it's some sort of competition, childlike "well, you were first, but HELLO I'M HERE TOO! and what I said was better even though it sounds oh so fake" Give me a break! The worst was just last night when they took it upon themselves to answer for someone who can quite clearly speak/type for themselves. Geez, butt out bitch, nobody asked you! You'd take away a blind mans' Guide Dog and try to tell them where to walk, I swear.

It's like the song that must be running through their head - "Anything you can do, I can do better, I can do anything, better than you" - Sorry. Fail. You suck. Simple.

They are so insanely jealous of the stupidest things, like I've somehow done these things on purpose just to spite them...like I have no life and nothing better to do...

Like the girls have their own rooms now, with my Son 'borrowing' my eldest daughters' room when he is home, what do you know, now they're getting their own rooms over there all of a sudden...about time if you ask me anyway, if you're going to keep having too many kids you can't afford or look after yourself, don't have any more, simple.

Like my relationship with my eldest daughter and my eldest daughters' relationship with the youngest daughter. Have I kept my eldest daughter captive and chained and brainwashed her to be close to me, her Mother....No. Have I handcuffed the girls together and forced them at gunpoint, you WILL be close to your sister.....No. Yet, some morons must think so, as a result my eldest daughter is in fact 'made' to spend time with her half-sister who she doesn't have the same connection with, which is not her fault, it's simply human relationships, a concept lost apparently.
Like the fact that my eldest daughter is here for more time than my Son, but that supposedly means she is the favourite by default and she 'gets everything'...perhaps this 'everything' that you speak of just so happens to occur in the other 12 days out of 14 that he's not home?????

Eldest daughter and I are going to the movies...oooh quick, better get in and do it 2 days before! Cos' I'm cooler than you...You keep telling yourself that sweetheart if it makes me sleep at night, she's just stoked to be going to see it twice HAHA! She doesn't buy into your dumb crap, pity you don't realize that and spend your energy on your own kids, might have a better time with them, not drive any more of them away in the future...

So many other examples I can't possibly fit here LOL. But it has left me wondering what can I pretend to do, just to see if it's copied hehehe. Everyone knows someone like that too!!!
I know I've reached the point where I find all the antics quite amusing and very coffee-and-gossip worthy ;) I know my eldest daughter is so completely over it and can't wait to get away from the controlling cow...it's so bad she goes to counselling. Oh yeah, xerox stalker asks her 'Why do you go to counselling, do you talk about me?' Paranoid much?
9 out of 10 times it IS about you, she tells me all about it, which I know steams you up, but tough titties I say, you give her the ammunition, she'll eventually shoot someone.

Some people may be surprised to read this and think I have a huge nasty streak...If you know me well, you know that's not the case unless I'm pushed to breaking point, which for me it takes a very, very long time to reach. And they'll also know what this person did to me in the past and what they've continued to do to me and my children over far too many years.
This is more in support of my long-suffering daughter and what she has to deal with, along with all the usual stuff she has to deal with in her teenage life as well. She shouldn't have to put up with this crap at all.
And if it's made me feel a little better to get my vent on, that's bonus too!
So please think about if you're ever in this situation how you might treat someone elses' children, because as much as you wish they were yours, they're not and never will be, and they'll always come home and tell Mum about everything you say and do!
I love you Unit xo