Travel In My Future!

Well, it's been a while since I blogged...I guess I have Brenda to thank for posting her photography blog on facebook, forcing me to sign in and follow it ;)

Not much to report, but I'm waiting for some money to magically appear in my account so I can buy airplane tickets.

Georgia and I will be off to hot, sunny, humid, sticky Cairns next month, to stay with childhood friend/sister Sandra. Her daughter is turning 18, the same weekend Georgia turns sweet 16 ;)

Should be interesting to test my tolerance of a bunch of pissed 18 year olds LOL.

Also will be catching up with dads' side of the family, a lot of which now live in Cairns. I predict I may not remember who's who! It has been 23 years since I've seen any of them.

Sandra will also take us over to Green Island to show us where she works as a chef.

The only thing I'm not looking forward to is the heat *groan*..

Finding the balance

Ok so it's been about 4 months since my last blog. Thought I would update from my last post "When it all comes to a head - Anxiety and Depression".

I have been prescribed another medication for my A & D, bruxism, I'm now taking Cymbalta. I did my research on the medication before I started taking it, of course the only opinions good and bad seem to come from the U.S. but I had to weigh the pros and cons of the possible side effects and the risk of addiction.

Some of it was scary reading, but I really had to decide for myself, do I really want to keep 'existing' the way I was, or actually 'live'?

For me it has been the best decision I have ever made, the best risk I've ever had the courage to take. Although it's not a cure, no medication is, in conjunction with counselling and treatment from a psychologist, I have overcome my life-crippling fear of stairs and escalators, been able to let go of a lot of anger and hurt from my childhood and early adulthood. I still occasionally experience pain and some periods of panic, but the instances are becoming far less frequent.

My brain has shut up at night so I can sleep too, the sleep-deprivation that was coming from that was having an effect on me physically, mentally, emotionally and also on my immune system. I daresay I have many expensive visits to the dentist in the coming years due to the damage done by the bruxism, so I guess the next thing I'll have to work on is my absolute fear, no, TERROR, about dentists..not the people themselves, or the equipment (apart from the cartoonishly huge needle they use), just the thought of anything being done in there.

Has made me wonder if I might have some slight tendencies towards another condition, I have this 'thing' about anything touching my face, neck, mouth etc. Weird huh?

But in closing I guess I can sum the last few months up by saying I've learnt a lot about myself, my logical thinking process, how much crap I will put up with, that I have a voice and will use it when I need to, whether you like what I have to say or not!, basically I'm becoming the "me" I think I was always meant to be and I am feeling wonderful ;)

When it all comes to a head - Anxiety & Depression

Confession time..for those who have no idea, I have anxiety and depression. I know it, I thought I'd accepted it, I take medication for it.

But I also do my very best to hide it and pretend it will all go away in time.

Lately I've been having arguments with my husband, some small, some big. Mostly over housework and the lack of it for quite some time. He'd gotten to the point of thinking that I'd gotten lazy.

Why? Because even though he's my husband and the one I should be able to talk to about anything at all, I was ashamed and embarrassed that he would know anything was wrong. He knew about the anxiety but not the depression. I guess I didn't want to appear weak, or imperfect...

I want to bare all and tell people how I feel. If they can't handle what I've got to say, well, in my opinion that's their problem. Those who care about me I know will not think any differently of me. In explaining myself I hope that someone is helped to know that they're not the only one, or maybe even recognize signs in themselves that they may be depressed or suffering from anxiety and seek support and help.

My anxiety presents itself as uncontrollable clenching of my stomach muscles, making them sore and giving me cramps. This has lessened over 4 months since I've been taking Lovan (generic Prozac), but I will be getting assertive and asking the doctor at my next review to look again at my medication options, as with further stress being added lately, the clenching is also affecting my lower jaw, resulting in of course a sore jaw, with referred pain from earaches, sore sinus cavities and tension headaches. All the breathing exercises in the world do not unfortunately deal with the physical symptoms very well. I also have what seems to be a permanent "fight or flight reflex" feeling, I simply cannot relax any parts of my body, like a tightly coiled spring ready for action. It is actually quite an exhausting experience.

Another thing that occurs is your brain not allowing you to sleep at night. All sorts of weird and wonderful thoughts run through your head, not unlike what it's like for the kids on Christmas Eve and that excitement, but it very quickly gets old and the lack of good quality sleep takes its' toll on your immune system. Someone like me who rarely gets ill, I seem to be constantly aching now or have blocked sinuses for no apparent reason. I take immune boosting supplements to counteract this. You can have "dreams' when you're awake and they are often quite weird. You become obsessed with thinking something is going to happen to your loved ones if they're a few minutes late, you imagine they've been in a car accident or something. Quite a lot of illogical thought processes.

It's not the same for everyone. Someone very close to me has anxiety and with them it presents as making them breathless, gasping as they can't breathe in deeply. Some people will suffer panic attacks, especially in public places, an awful feeling as you feel 'prickly' and hot, cold, and like fainting all at the same time. Your heart races and you don't begin to feel better until you can remove yourself from the situation.

With my Depression, when my doctor asked me if I thought I was depressed, my answer was No. I think even then I was in denial, but it's gone past the point of no return, I can't deny it any longer. Or perhaps it's only come about lately, I don't know, it probably snuck up on me.

I should have realized the signs, I've been down the depression road before..

You lose interest in activities you normally enjoy, for me I can't remember the last time I picked up my cross stitch, which makes me sad as it's a birth sampler for my adorable nephew, and I'm needing to finish his before he turns 1, then I have 2 more to do for my gorgeous nieces born last week. My head says do it, but something just makes me not pick it up. I'm a diehard facebook addict too, love to play games and socialize, but I've even lost the enjoyment in my games now at times it feels like a chore. I don't chat to people, comment or write on their Walls much anymore. It's not them, it's definitely me! I have lots of great ideas for projects but not the motivation necessary to get them off the ground. The smallest most insignificant things will either make you cry or feel like you want to but nothing comes out. It may be easier to let it out for some, I probably quite dumbly hold it in because crying gives me a migraine! Sometimes you feel like crying for no apparent reason at all.

I'm staying home more and not wanting to be around people too much lately, not really wanting to communicate, and yes dear husband, I have for sure been letting the house, and myself to a point, go.

I could blame it on the heat, school holidays, kids driving me mad etc etc. While these may be a contributing factor to my overall feelings of wellbeing, they aren't the cause. I've basically stopped caring about myself and the housework. I don't want to feel that way, I'd like to know if someone dropped over unannounced that the house wouldn't be a tip I'd be embarrassed about. While it's not that bad, mainly messy piles of dishes, it's certainly no health hazard, but I still hate it. I hate it but I can't seem to "fix" it, not to my usual standards. It doesn't stop me caring about others, for which I am very grateful, and I bet so is my family.

I'm taking little steps, doing a little at a time, and with hubby's help, as he now knows how I feel. Not sure he actually understands as such, but he knows. He knows after 10 years this is not like me to allow mess and knows now, even if it took an argument to bring it to a head, that I haven't suddenly become lazy.

And the next time I go back to the doctor I'll be telling her I also have depression. I will be seeking further support. I won't be scared or ashamed any more to admit my faults, until they're recognized, I can't better myself.

I'm going to stop pretending everything is OK. Let's see who else is 'real' enough to accept all I've said and not think of me any differently.

A funny thing to see...I hope someone got to enjoy it!!!

Well, it's that time again...Council junk pick-up. Many a treasure can be spied on the side of the road, with a mental note attached to return later to collect it, quite often it'll be gone, but sometimes you get lucky.

One sunny Saturday morning on the way to drop off my Avon order, we spotted a heavily pregnant woman struggling to put stuff out on the footpath. We stopped to see if she was ok and of course, had a sticky beak at what she had ;). There was a rather nice tall chest of melamine drawers in very good condition, couldn't pass them up...

So after managing to fit the box for the trampoline in the boot back in June, we were still mystified that a couple of weeks ago an ironing board wouldn't fit so it was no great surprise that of course these drawers also didn't fit. The drawers themselves were tossed in the back seat, the main body of the chest in the boot...but of course we have no rope.

Luckily it's only a few streets away, so the slow drive with the boot lid up was interesting, keeping an eye out for the police ;).

Not so exciting, I know. The next find is what had us all in stitches late one night..

The story so far : We gained a guinea pig hutch thanks to a school friend, Jo. We thought we'd modify it a bit before jumping in and getting the caveys straight away. A pair of wheels down one end for ease of relocation around the yard as they kill the grass, a handle to manoeuvre it around, covering some of the sharp edges on the chicken wire after Jasmine and Pixie have both been using it as an outdoor chaise lounge.

Dean thought this was the perfect opportunity to scavenge some free wheels, maybe off a discarded mower or something.

Late on the weekend we were coming back from a nice nights' barbecue at Redcliffe, we took the 'scenic route' close to home, to have more of a look. Ever the connoisseur of crap collecting, his eagle eyes spotted a 3 wheeler pram. Mostly in great condition if I ever had any use for it, only the front wheel was broken, guess they couldn't be arsed getting a new wheel.

I joked with Georgia when he got out of the car "betcha he can't figure out how to fold the pram up now, you watch LOL"....

So he gets back in the car, we're thinking he's leaving it behind, maybe it wasn't good enough. He's laughing as he tries to talk...He's pulled the pram alongside the car, put the window down, holding onto the handlebars and off we drive!!!!!

OMG we're all literally pissing ourselves laughing, can't breathe, all we can think about is, 'Gee, this would really look funny if anyone was watching' and 'wonder if someone will call the cops, thinking there's a baby in the pram'. It was only a couple of streets away, but I was sure he was gonna lose it on the dumb little traffic-calming-stupid roundabouts, but he did very well...

I only wish the ride had lasted longer!

Don't hate me cos I'm awesome!....oh alright then, go ahead!

Do you know people like this...people who can't seem to stand you, anything you do, how you raise your kids with manners and moral standards, how your family is actually functional, how you have a decent bloke who loves you and who's a great husband/father/handy around the house/doesn't cheat on you, how you dress appropriately for your body type even if they don't, how you wear a bra when company arrives, how you breathe oxygen...but on the same hand, strive to BE you at the same time
?

I do.

I sometimes refer to them unaffectionately as the 'xerox stalker'. It used to be my ex' and his mates' nickname, as one would do something, the other of them would of course, have to copy them and vice versa. Seems the baton has passed to a new runner! (My closest friends and family know EXACTLY who I'm speaking of ). They are the typical two-faced type, nice as sugar to your face, the minute they're 5 metres away it's bitch bitch bitch!

Sometimes they pop up randomly if I've commented on a mutual 'friends' status...like it's some sort of competition, childlike "well, you were first, but HELLO I'M HERE TOO! and what I said was better even though it sounds oh so fake" Give me a break! The worst was just last night when they took it upon themselves to answer for someone who can quite clearly speak/type for themselves. Geez, butt out bitch, nobody asked you! You'd take away a blind mans' Guide Dog and try to tell them where to walk, I swear.

It's like the song that must be running through their head - "Anything you can do, I can do better, I can do anything, better than you" - Sorry. Fail. You suck. Simple.

They are so insanely jealous of the stupidest things, like I've somehow done these things on purpose just to spite them...like I have no life and nothing better to do...

Like the girls have their own rooms now, with my Son 'borrowing' my eldest daughters' room when he is home, what do you know, now they're getting their own rooms over there all of a sudden...about time if you ask me anyway, if you're going to keep having too many kids you can't afford or look after yourself, don't have any more, simple.

Like my relationship with my eldest daughter and my eldest daughters' relationship with the youngest daughter. Have I kept my eldest daughter captive and chained and brainwashed her to be close to me, her Mother....No. Have I handcuffed the girls together and forced them at gunpoint, you WILL be close to your sister.....No. Yet, some morons must think so, as a result my eldest daughter is in fact 'made' to spend time with her half-sister who she doesn't have the same connection with, which is not her fault, it's simply human relationships, a concept lost apparently.
Like the fact that my eldest daughter is here for more time than my Son, but that supposedly means she is the favourite by default and she 'gets everything'...perhaps this 'everything' that you speak of just so happens to occur in the other 12 days out of 14 that he's not home?????

Eldest daughter and I are going to the movies...oooh quick, better get in and do it 2 days before! Cos' I'm cooler than you...You keep telling yourself that sweetheart if it makes me sleep at night, she's just stoked to be going to see it twice HAHA! She doesn't buy into your dumb crap, pity you don't realize that and spend your energy on your own kids, might have a better time with them, not drive any more of them away in the future...

So many other examples I can't possibly fit here LOL. But it has left me wondering what can I pretend to do, just to see if it's copied hehehe. Everyone knows someone like that too!!!
I know I've reached the point where I find all the antics quite amusing and very coffee-and-gossip worthy ;) I know my eldest daughter is so completely over it and can't wait to get away from the controlling cow...it's so bad she goes to counselling. Oh yeah, xerox stalker asks her 'Why do you go to counselling, do you talk about me?' Paranoid much?
9 out of 10 times it IS about you, she tells me all about it, which I know steams you up, but tough titties I say, you give her the ammunition, she'll eventually shoot someone.

Some people may be surprised to read this and think I have a huge nasty streak...If you know me well, you know that's not the case unless I'm pushed to breaking point, which for me it takes a very, very long time to reach. And they'll also know what this person did to me in the past and what they've continued to do to me and my children over far too many years.
This is more in support of my long-suffering daughter and what she has to deal with, along with all the usual stuff she has to deal with in her teenage life as well. She shouldn't have to put up with this crap at all.
And if it's made me feel a little better to get my vent on, that's bonus too!
So please think about if you're ever in this situation how you might treat someone elses' children, because as much as you wish they were yours, they're not and never will be, and they'll always come home and tell Mum about everything you say and do!
I love you Unit xo

Honeymoon Blog - G rated, don't worry!!!

Our Honeymoon
Alexandra Headlands QLD 16-18 October 2009

We excitedly, finally, leave after hours of "go to nanna and poppy's?", "go swimming?" from Jasmine, stopping for a few last minute things on the way. We find the Seaforth Resort and check in. It turns out it's a massive complex of 5 towers with the lagoon pool weaving in between the buildings. After navigating our way around the underground security carpark made for garden gnomes, we gather all we can, so much for just 2 nights, and take the lift to the 5th floor, one level down from the top. The unit is beautiful. Fully equipped kitchen, which of course we won't use apart from the kettle and fridge! Dining area, the usual lounge set-up, little hideaway extra 'room' with cute single armchairs that convert to sofa beds, the proper kind, not just those foam mattress type ones, bathroom with spa bath and the best massaging shower head in the universe, full laundry facilities (we brought the weeks' laundry up here to do, why not use their electricity? why have to do it when we get home? lol), and nice bedroom with entry out to the balcony that leads out also from the lounge area. And air-con!!! We have 'part ocean views' which is just fine by us, we're in one of the towers at the back but from where I'm sitting typing this on the balcony I can see out between the towers out front, they kind of frame the picture of the water. Looking out around the other resorts and hotels you can get different views. It may not be for the people who insist on a full ocean view, but we like it just fine! When we first got here, a kookaburra came to land on the railing of the balcony and came to stay for a while, I snapped some photos and got quite close. He was still there when we left to go downstairs to take the girls for a swim in the lagoon. Sprawling amongst palm trees and a rainforest like setting, the toddlers wading pool area was a bit hit with Jasmine, but with a quick leg over the rock wall, you're in deeper water. Waterfalls and lots of different bird life made it a very relaxing time. I've spent lots of time out here on the balcony overlooking it this weekend, having a coffee, or a Cruiser!, watching and listening to the water. We never ended up making it to the lap pool or outdoor spas, it was time to head off to nanna and poppy's. After staying a little while for Jasmine to settle in there with Georgia, Nanna, Poppy and Dean's Aunty Colleen visiting from all over Oz in her campervan, we 'officially' started our honeymoon. Surprised by Jasmine's 'ok see ya' attitude when we left too...very strange that we got a smiley hug, kiss and wave...we still don't get that when we leave her at daycare after all this time!!! Only delayed a little in traffic along the way, we arrived back here already worn out by the day. We relaxed with some drinks, a little TV then a fairly early night....which was just as well! At 2am we hear warning tones through the loudspeakers in the ceiling of the room and the message ' a fire alarm has been set off in the building, please wait for further instructions', over and over again for about 10 minutes...wouldn't want to be on fire or anything! Then it changes to siren sound 'please evacuate the building', but that is abruptly cut off, so we don't think anything of it. But then I can just hear from the hallway 'leave the building in a orderly manner'...wouldn't want to be hard of hearing!! So we all trudge down the 10 or so flights of stairs, just what you want to do when roused from your sleep. Gathered on the footpath opposite the building, and it's quite cold. The fire brigade dawdle slowly up the street, lights but no sirens though, casually climb down and stroll into the foyer, where we watch them use the lifts! Either there wasn't many people in our tower or a lot of people ignored the announcement, but wasn't too long before the firey 'minding' the truck leans out the window and tells us we can go back in. A night we won't forget in a hurry that's for sure! Saturday morning brings a groggy sleep in after the alarm incident, waking up to the kookaburras singing a duet with peewees, may have found it obnoxious at home, but very pleasant here. Could have something to do with my chilled out state, I've not had to raise my voice for 2 days now! I can't seem to completely relax though which I don't understand, having to concentrate on unclenching the knot that seems to be permanently in my stomach and relax my legs. After breakfast we go to Maroochydore and do a little op-shopping. Quite pleased with our finds, we got a cute mug (the mugs here are too small for coffee lol), a kids picture dictionary, brand new, and a shirt, board shorts, and a skirt for Jasmine, all for the princely sum of $10.50! Then we set off to TopShots to play a round of putt putt. Laughing now, because despite Dean's little cheating ways, I still kicked his ass! The scores were Dean : 73, Me : 60. Considering the par total for the 18 holes was 58, I did ok! On the way back we went to get lunch at a place called Extremely Chicken, and I wish they had one in Brisbane! A lot of variety on the menu. Then back here for a few more drinks, dinner at the local pizzeria, we've found our new favourite pizza place, just a shame it's so far from home, but we're already talking about having a family holiday up here next year, maybe at the Alex Beach Cabins, there's holiday houses there that will accomodate us all, just around the corner from here, has all the kids would want, playground, pool, games room, they'd be set! Happy to report no fire alarms on our final night, and woke up early this morning to enjoy some peace on the balcony one last time. Still a few hours to check out but I plan to use every last minute right up until then! A bit sad to be leaving and going back to my 'real life' as a Mum with responsibilities, but I'm sure I'll adapt quickly, may even be yelling again by tonight lol. Looking forward to spending a bit of time at Dad and Julie's before we leave to spend some more time with Aunty Colleen, and the girls can have their one last swim. It will be the last time Jasmine can swim for a little while, on the way out on Friday I collected the mail and the letter was in there confirming her ear, nose, throat operation for the 28th, so she might as well make the most of the pool now as swimming will be off her agenda for quite some time. She's a lot younger than Nathan and Georgia were when they had their operations, so I'm not sure how she'll go as she won't understand. It will be an interesting few weeks to come because she may feel fine after a few days but will have to be kept home from daycare for a while. Well I guess better start packing to check out and go to the girls, though I reckon they've probably been far too busy having fun to have missed us! Goodbye to Alexandra Headlands for now, but the memories will stay forever!

Wedding Rings, Bubbles and Bolt Cutters!!!

It's been a while since I've blogged, so I'll set the scene for this entry.....
So my first point of excitement is the arrival of Sandra, my friend of 25+ years and her lovely (now very grown up) daughter, Danika. Her son Ben had to stay behind because of work commitments. I was stalking the driveway waiting for their taxi to arrive! I hadn't seen them for at least 5 years.
After lots of catching up, I tried to get some sleep, not very successfully though I might add..
Friday 'busy day', picking up dress hoop, suit, buying dress #2 for Jasmine, generally all the last minute stuff. Too bad we all ended up too tired for celebratory drinks!

The Big Day Arrives !
Up at a ridiculous hour..no great surprise there hey! Surprisingly calm although feeling a bit queasy. Sandra does me the hugest favour and takes all the kids down to Chermside to give me some time alone, which I waste disgracefully by playing on the computer and starting to drink wine lol.
Jason and Tehanne arrived and it all started to feel quite real, but was so glad to have T's calming influence ;) a good ole gossip session did wonders. Before I know it the hair and make-up ladies arrive to work their magic on T and I, we'd lost track of time enjoying cheese, cut into bite-sized pieces to counter the make-up lass' challenge of 'once I've done your make-up, you won't be able to eat' HA! We sure proved her wrong. Btw, garlic infused cheese, thumbs up!
Donna delivered the beautiful flowers, she offered to make up the bouquets for me so I didn't have to, but she went above and beyond, they are gorgeous! Another friend Nardia wandered down to see me and have a chat, she was great also at keeping me distracted and calm..and funny, I was so distracted that I lost all trace of self-consciousness, very unlike me.
Panic set in when I finally saw the time, I still have not set that bloody clock right on the microwave!, and realized we'd be very late..the plan was to leave at 3.30pm sharp.
A quick photo with my elderly, much loved and respected neighbour Ron, who couldn't make it to the wedding due to illness, his lovely well wishes, it was 'shitting ourselves' time, a.k.a 3.50pm! The wedding due to start at 4 pm, 25 drive away!
While I was tempted a few times to stomp my foot on top of Jason's while he drove me, we had to take it steady to allow T to follow with the bridesmaids and matron of honour.
We made pretty good time though, arriving at about quarter past 4, running through quick order in the carpark, pinning a flower to my beloved 'Dad's ' lapel and he readied to give me away. Previously this conjured up giggly visions in my head of him walking me in, shoving me forward and shouting 'she's all yours now!!!" LOL
I ran a bit through the park, but was scolded to stop, in case I fell and made an arse of myself...quite possible considering the amount of wine I'd consumed hehe. But at least I proved you CAN run in a wedding dress ;)
Still strangely calm, we strolled towards my man, stepping on the dress all the way. very cliche', I didn't even notice all the people around, only Dean♥
We arrived to him to the tune of 'At Last' by Etta James', a nice little joke I thought lol.
Bugger me, that ceremony was quick! Still don't reckon it went for 25 mins..The bubbles floated on the breeze, much hugging, time for photos, some beautiful ones, some shamefully posted on facebook ones too haha. Communication breakdown/confusion meant that the Aunts/Uncles/Cousins didn't know we were taking photos, a real shame we can't go back.

The Reception!
A short drive from the Gardens, the reception venue. Did think it was a bit strange that everyone's cars were lined up the street, they do have onsite parking after all.
We arrive last, to see why....the gates were PADLOCKED SHUT!
W T F ????
Much scratching of heads and reaching for mobile phones later, Craig, the best man, jumps the very high, sharp point topped gates. He is gone a while, and among jokes of 'the guard dogs have gotten him', my thought was 'he's having a big ole' chinwag with someone' lol...if you know Craig, you'll know he likes a chat!
He came back eventually with news that the catering staff hadn't known about the gates, and they can only have been locked between about 1.30pm and then as Dean, Craig and Jason had been there decorating the dining room. Apparently they were on the phone trying to get hold of someone to come and unlock them again.
This was my time to lose it LOL, wavering between being majorly pissed off and embrassed and crying. Somewhere amongst that was the phone call I made to both the club and the person I'd been dealing with, neither of which till this day have returned my calls, strange that.
Now I hadn't been paying attention to the growing murmuring crowd gathering at the gates, but at some point I heard 'who is that walking up the road in the green shirt with bolt cutters?'
It was one of my cousins Jenny lmao..someone had mentioned bolt cutters, someone else thought that was a great idea, and Jenny and Katrina just happened to have some in their car!!! Still don't know why, but I'd love to find out HEHE!
So the chain was cut, the padlock tossed and the spinning of tyres as the masses entered the carpark, at last!
So we were free to enjoy the reception after all, not too far behind schedule. All was pretty good after that, the wrong wines were swapped around, the bridal table got their first round of drinks free as 'compensation', one of the highchairs was crap, but overall I was just happy to be there.
Both Dads did a great job of sharing the MC'ing duties, mine made me cry, but that's his job ;)
A good night was family and friends, that may not have been as successful if not for bolt cutters!!! ♥

The 'moral' of the story? :
If someone has booked your venue for their wedding reception, expect that when they leave they will 'forget' to pay the wine bill....LOL!