Friendship 101 a.k.a Humans can be such dicks

Sometimes I prefer the company of animals. Humans can be such dicks sometimes.

Anyone who has *truly* been my friend for an extended period of time, I feel *truly* does know me. Those chosen few know I'm a bit nutty, a bit too sensitive, but ultimately, extremely loyal.

- Animals won't read something and get all bent out of shape after assuming it's about them. My oldest friends know if I've got a problem with them, ohhh you'll know about it!!!! I'm a problem fixer. If I have issues with someone it eats me up and I can't settle until I've resolved it.

They also know that with the exception of my ex-husband, I'm still great friends with my exes, and never have had any occasion to bitch about them. Ex-husband is fair game, those same friends know why he deserves it and often join in Lol. 

- Animals won't make you feel like a bad person after other peoples' assumptions. I have spent most of my day distraught thinking I've offended/hurt/lost a friend, over their wrong assumption of something..why do I feel the need to burden the blame for someone else's mistakes? I think I'm upset that they've forgotten my 'friend values'. Nothing has changed there. I'm the same person they befriended, quite frankly I just don't get it...

- Animals don't care why you're crying, they just care that you are. They won't tell you to 'get over it', 'put a smile on your face, you'll feel better!'. They won't stare at you on the bus when you cannot stop the emotions from bursting forward, you won't see them actually shuffling away from you as if you're somehow infectious.  

- Animals will always listen without judgement. You'll never see them assuming statements over fact, or bullying the weaker animal. 

So here I sit again, trying to figure people out. But just when you *think* you've got it all figured out, the goalposts get moved again. I KNOW I'm not the only person left with at least a smidge of morals left, life in general & as it applies to friendships, but are we becoming a breed reaching extinction? Can we blame social media for humans turning into dicks? 

Some social commentators would agree, but I personally think that humans have always been dicks, social platforms have just amplified the situation. 

Will anything change? Probably not. Doesn't mean we all have to be sheep though, does it? Make the choice not to be a dick today! Next best thing to changing into an animal :) 

New Year, new resolution attempts

Yoohoo, anyone home?

Yes, I've been slack again, but here I am resolving to blog more often. Will it last? Probably not..it's one of those thing people do, promise this & that, but I've never understood why. Why at New Years' in particular, why not the middle of June? What makes people believe they'll keep resolutions just because a new calendar year has commenced?

But I'm getting off tangent again, as usual.

I'm here to do the very same thing, promise myself that I'll blog on a more regular basis. I could be like most bloggers and proclaim Monday as "the day", but I'm a bit reluctant to do that.

I'd probably break the resolution.

As Arnie says, "I'll be back!"....and The Anxious Traveller blog will also be updated very soon :) 

*cue song*... "It's been a while..."

Well, it has been quite a while since my last post and I can truthfully say for once, much has happened!

Solo travel has come to a halt for now, to make way for future adventures with the family, who've had no interest in sharing my adventures before.

So what else?

Well, I've gone back to school...again. But this time I'm on campus, it's a bit easier to focus rather than online, too many distractions. My kids are older now too, that makes it a little easier as well.

I'm doing adult tertiary preparation, a gateway course to further study at university or tafe. It's sort of the equivalent of Years 11 & 12, except I'll be completing it within one year.

So far, so good, then I'm only 7 weeks in. Studying English, Psychology, Legal studies, Australian Society and computing for academic purposes.

Two weeks into my first semester, my turn on the Qld Health Wheel of Fortune came up and I was scheduled, finally, for my surgery after several cancellations. I'd been on the waiting list for around 4 years I think. 

I had a vertical sleeve gastrectomy, weight loss surgery developed fairly recently, where a large portion of your stomach is stapled off vertically and the excess removed, leaving a tube-like structured stomach rather than a pouch. It's permanent, irreversible, you have to think long and hard if its what you want. But I can expect to lose up to 80% of my excess weight in the first 12 months. As I write, I'm 4 weeks post op and still on the diet upgrade giving the stomach a chance to heal. When you're feeling better its easy to forget that you've had major surgery, like today, I overdid it yesterday so a little sore in the tummy muscles today but it will get better.

While it was hard being off school for 2 weeks and all the catching up that goes with it, I found recovery at home boring, so it was good to get back.

I don't really mix with anyone at school, just get in, get 'er done, get out basically, so my anxiety isn't proving too much of a problem, except maybe in exam conditions, I found yesterday my focus pinpointed and I could literally hear and feel every damn irritating noise other people made while I was trying to concentrate Lol. Guess my tolerance skills haven't changed much then.

So now the experience of being a mature student has been pretty eye-opening. You tend to think you're fitting in with the rest of the student community, then the Mum senses kick in...my new pet hate is young men sniffling in class. It takes all my strength sometimes not to scream out "will you blow your bloody nose!" or throw a box of tissues at them...

Well I'm awaiting the psych tutor now, killing time pre-class, drinking coffee and blasting music.

Maybe I don't wanna grow up? 

Teenage Lurve.....

I'm having a surreal experience here. My eldest daughter is almost 17 and head over heels <3
What's so strange about that?
Well, nothing, but it's bringing back all sorts of memories, good and bad. It's sickly sweet Lol but sweet all the same.
He seems like a decent enough young fella, a bit younger than her.
As I write, we've just finished dinner, they're sitting on the couch having a tickle fight and discussing plans for the weekend.
Maybe I'm in a different dimension or something, but I'm surprised at my calm reaction to her asking if he can sleepover! NOT in the same room, but I can somehow see me sleeping between the hallway and her room LOL.
The hard thing is remembering the horrible, rebellious, teenager I was at her age and younger. People may say 'what are you thinking?', but they probably don't know my daughter like I do. I've never been shy with her, filling her in on how boys' minds and hormones work, I'm super confident in her informed judgement.
I know there will be backlash and opinions, but something needs to be said for trust. As close as we are, she knows I will play the Mum card if needed. She will eventually take that first trepidatious trip into intimacy, let's get real here, I'd rather it was on her terms, in her own time, in a safe way and be a beautiful experience (hopefully).
But do I think she will leap at any chance to do it? NO. She's in no hurry.
So people will have their opinions, that's fine, I just hope their hands are clean before they start pointing fingers ;)

Up, up and away!

What a busy and exciting time ahead for me!
In just over 3 weeks I'll be visiting Sydney for the very first time!!!! It's exciting and scary at the same time, because I'm going solo. But I like to explore on my own, do my own thing, so it's not too bad.
I'll be meeting one of my half-brothers' and his family for the very first time too, another slightly scary prospect, but I'm still curious about my origins.
Then I'll have a couple of days to play tourist and be shown around by a friend who I showed around Brisbane a little while ago. I've made a list of things to check out, but no-one ever really does everything on their list ;) and of course, there's chances for coffee! Lindt cafe' mmmmmm......
Next on the list is the piercing course. Now fully paid and just waiting, watching the calendar. 7 weeks away pretty much, I can't wait! Also adding to the excitement is getting to stay with a special gf, yay for girly sleepovers! LOL Much coffee and gossip to be had...It'll be a long week, long days, but I'm looking forward to it ;) I still need models too, so if you're interested, let me know!
So after that, I'll be home for the first week of the school holidays and looking for work...
Then I'm off to Adelaide in 9 weeks!!! Gee she gets around, doesn't she? No, it's not a mid-life crisis...No, I'm not about to abandon my family....I decided I want to meet some of the friends I've made online, I didn't travel before I had the kids, never done anything mildly interesting like that.
So I'll meet quite a few people around Adelaide, even including someone who babysat me as a child! I was too young to remember her (sorry Sharon LOL) but I remember her sister was Mums' hairdresser. Now I have no idea what's in Adelaide besides churches and wineries, not that either intrigue me. Ah well, plenty of time to google between now and then ;)
Two of the parties I'm meeting are arch enemies (not really hehe), so that's bound to make for an interesting time...and I'm not sure it would be the right thing to try to patch them up either :/
But I'm sure I'll have a ball, just hanging out watching Britcoms with one, trying to appear interested about footy with the other ;p
So after all that, it might also be time for my gastric sleeve and hernia repair surgery...they still can't, or won't, give me a firm date, but they've excluded the time up to the piercing course, as I can't miss that now.
Hopefully it'll be after SA though so my plans remain the same.
Will I get bored or restless after all this??? I have no idea. I just plan to enjoy every second of the experiences and show the kids that it's fine to do things on your own, even scary things.... :)

Meds review

It's been longer than I thought since starting on Cymbalta for my anxiety. I've recently been given an increase in the meds, which is probably a good idea, as I definitely feel better within myself the last couple of weeks.
It's been a hard month, a lot of stress and lack of sleep saw me end up at the end of my rope, so to speak.
So, the physical symptoms are once again under control, well 95% anyway, which is half the battle. I've learnt a great deal from the various psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors and the like lately, perhaps as I've felt more balanced I'm able to absorb the information now.
I'm now tackling it from another angle, realizing that a lot of the physical reactions my body may be having a false affect, tricking me into thinking a panic attack is coming, when it really wasn't even a blip on the radar to begin with.
Eating regularly, balancing my blood sugar levels, all these things I must concentrate on now, as well as returning to drinking water, especially now as the drying winds of winter have arrived. I've been walking Jas to school lately as opposed to catching the bus, it is working, I can notice my clothing becoming looser.
More work needs to be done on the mental and emotional. Constant self-reassurance that even though I can't see the difference, I am changing.
What also needs to change is either peoples' "good intentions", or my reactions to them. I can say all I like that others' opinions don't phase me, but I lie to myself, they do. Can I change other people? No, of course I can't. Can their perceptions be based on the realistic, the everyday? It seems not. Some people are just plain mean, but if I can send my kids out into the world accepting everybody for their base values/spirit/personality, then I've at least done my job in raising them.
I can't change what you say, what you think, or how you feel, but I can change how I choose to deal with you from now on.
I want to regain my voice, my spirit, my confidence. I've made promises to myself in the past, I swore I'd never again be a doormat. I've let myself down in that regard lately, but sometimes you have to try to work with the situation you've got and hope things works out ok.
Seems life runs in predictable ebbs and flows for me, not the greatest point atop the flow chart coming up for me in the near future, but I'll great through it, something keeps me coming back for more of life's crap ;)

Bitch Time

It's time to throw some stones...

I've been through at lot of changes in the last 12 months, physically, emotionally, mentally. But most of all " I " have been changing. This in turn has affected relationships both positively and negatively, and others are too self-absorbed to notice.
I've finally decided what I'd like to do, once the government forces us out of our current situation, which has worked just fine for us for 11 years. In October I'll undertake a 5 day course to become a fully qualified body piercer.
While this is an exciting prospect, it means either commuting and being away 16 hours a day, or staying down there in accommodation, during school holidays of all times! But either way I can try to cope with that.

What I'm having trouble coping with is negative attitudes and comments about my plans, what I should and shouldn't be doing as a "mother" and a "wife", and the supposed "mid-life crisis" I'm going through, just because I choose to decorate my skin with tattoos, get piercings and have some purple hair. Also, now because I put it out there and cheekily created a donation website that people can CHOOSE to interact with or not.
I can assure you, I am not a gold-digging whore, I am not asking for money for crack, I look after my children, my teenagers do not run the streets or drink.smoke. If I'm such a bad influence on my children, I ask you, wouldn't they be little hoodlums? Well, they're not.
My children don't see the hair, the ink, the steel. It does not change my character or my DNA. It is a personal choice...just as it is whether you read someone's Blog and decide to make unnecessarily nasty comments "Anonymous"