Teenage Lurve.....

I'm having a surreal experience here. My eldest daughter is almost 17 and head over heels <3
What's so strange about that?
Well, nothing, but it's bringing back all sorts of memories, good and bad. It's sickly sweet Lol but sweet all the same.
He seems like a decent enough young fella, a bit younger than her.
As I write, we've just finished dinner, they're sitting on the couch having a tickle fight and discussing plans for the weekend.
Maybe I'm in a different dimension or something, but I'm surprised at my calm reaction to her asking if he can sleepover! NOT in the same room, but I can somehow see me sleeping between the hallway and her room LOL.
The hard thing is remembering the horrible, rebellious, teenager I was at her age and younger. People may say 'what are you thinking?', but they probably don't know my daughter like I do. I've never been shy with her, filling her in on how boys' minds and hormones work, I'm super confident in her informed judgement.
I know there will be backlash and opinions, but something needs to be said for trust. As close as we are, she knows I will play the Mum card if needed. She will eventually take that first trepidatious trip into intimacy, let's get real here, I'd rather it was on her terms, in her own time, in a safe way and be a beautiful experience (hopefully).
But do I think she will leap at any chance to do it? NO. She's in no hurry.
So people will have their opinions, that's fine, I just hope their hands are clean before they start pointing fingers ;)

Up, up and away!

What a busy and exciting time ahead for me!
In just over 3 weeks I'll be visiting Sydney for the very first time!!!! It's exciting and scary at the same time, because I'm going solo. But I like to explore on my own, do my own thing, so it's not too bad.
I'll be meeting one of my half-brothers' and his family for the very first time too, another slightly scary prospect, but I'm still curious about my origins.
Then I'll have a couple of days to play tourist and be shown around by a friend who I showed around Brisbane a little while ago. I've made a list of things to check out, but no-one ever really does everything on their list ;) and of course, there's chances for coffee! Lindt cafe' mmmmmm......
Next on the list is the piercing course. Now fully paid and just waiting, watching the calendar. 7 weeks away pretty much, I can't wait! Also adding to the excitement is getting to stay with a special gf, yay for girly sleepovers! LOL Much coffee and gossip to be had...It'll be a long week, long days, but I'm looking forward to it ;) I still need models too, so if you're interested, let me know!
So after that, I'll be home for the first week of the school holidays and looking for work...
Then I'm off to Adelaide in 9 weeks!!! Gee she gets around, doesn't she? No, it's not a mid-life crisis...No, I'm not about to abandon my family....I decided I want to meet some of the friends I've made online, I didn't travel before I had the kids, never done anything mildly interesting like that.
So I'll meet quite a few people around Adelaide, even including someone who babysat me as a child! I was too young to remember her (sorry Sharon LOL) but I remember her sister was Mums' hairdresser. Now I have no idea what's in Adelaide besides churches and wineries, not that either intrigue me. Ah well, plenty of time to google between now and then ;)
Two of the parties I'm meeting are arch enemies (not really hehe), so that's bound to make for an interesting time...and I'm not sure it would be the right thing to try to patch them up either :/
But I'm sure I'll have a ball, just hanging out watching Britcoms with one, trying to appear interested about footy with the other ;p
So after all that, it might also be time for my gastric sleeve and hernia repair surgery...they still can't, or won't, give me a firm date, but they've excluded the time up to the piercing course, as I can't miss that now.
Hopefully it'll be after SA though so my plans remain the same.
Will I get bored or restless after all this??? I have no idea. I just plan to enjoy every second of the experiences and show the kids that it's fine to do things on your own, even scary things.... :)

Meds review

It's been longer than I thought since starting on Cymbalta for my anxiety. I've recently been given an increase in the meds, which is probably a good idea, as I definitely feel better within myself the last couple of weeks.
It's been a hard month, a lot of stress and lack of sleep saw me end up at the end of my rope, so to speak.
So, the physical symptoms are once again under control, well 95% anyway, which is half the battle. I've learnt a great deal from the various psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors and the like lately, perhaps as I've felt more balanced I'm able to absorb the information now.
I'm now tackling it from another angle, realizing that a lot of the physical reactions my body may be having a false affect, tricking me into thinking a panic attack is coming, when it really wasn't even a blip on the radar to begin with.
Eating regularly, balancing my blood sugar levels, all these things I must concentrate on now, as well as returning to drinking water, especially now as the drying winds of winter have arrived. I've been walking Jas to school lately as opposed to catching the bus, it is working, I can notice my clothing becoming looser.
More work needs to be done on the mental and emotional. Constant self-reassurance that even though I can't see the difference, I am changing.
What also needs to change is either peoples' "good intentions", or my reactions to them. I can say all I like that others' opinions don't phase me, but I lie to myself, they do. Can I change other people? No, of course I can't. Can their perceptions be based on the realistic, the everyday? It seems not. Some people are just plain mean, but if I can send my kids out into the world accepting everybody for their base values/spirit/personality, then I've at least done my job in raising them.
I can't change what you say, what you think, or how you feel, but I can change how I choose to deal with you from now on.
I want to regain my voice, my spirit, my confidence. I've made promises to myself in the past, I swore I'd never again be a doormat. I've let myself down in that regard lately, but sometimes you have to try to work with the situation you've got and hope things works out ok.
Seems life runs in predictable ebbs and flows for me, not the greatest point atop the flow chart coming up for me in the near future, but I'll great through it, something keeps me coming back for more of life's crap ;)

Bitch Time

It's time to throw some stones...

I've been through at lot of changes in the last 12 months, physically, emotionally, mentally. But most of all " I " have been changing. This in turn has affected relationships both positively and negatively, and others are too self-absorbed to notice.
I've finally decided what I'd like to do, once the government forces us out of our current situation, which has worked just fine for us for 11 years. In October I'll undertake a 5 day course to become a fully qualified body piercer.
While this is an exciting prospect, it means either commuting and being away 16 hours a day, or staying down there in accommodation, during school holidays of all times! But either way I can try to cope with that.

What I'm having trouble coping with is negative attitudes and comments about my plans, what I should and shouldn't be doing as a "mother" and a "wife", and the supposed "mid-life crisis" I'm going through, just because I choose to decorate my skin with tattoos, get piercings and have some purple hair. Also, now because I put it out there and cheekily created a donation website that people can CHOOSE to interact with or not.
I can assure you, I am not a gold-digging whore, I am not asking for money for crack, I look after my children, my teenagers do not run the streets or drink.smoke. If I'm such a bad influence on my children, I ask you, wouldn't they be little hoodlums? Well, they're not.
My children don't see the hair, the ink, the steel. It does not change my character or my DNA. It is a personal choice...just as it is whether you read someone's Blog and decide to make unnecessarily nasty comments "Anonymous"

Send money please haha!

So, Georgia has now decided that she's not going on the netball tour this year. Breathe small sigh of relief as I had no idea how I'd save for that in time!
Since then I've figured out what I'd like to do when I grow up. I'm going to pierce peoples' body parts with sharp instruments ;)
Hey at least I shouldn't get any tattoo or piercing discrimination in this line of work. So, on the advice of a fellow Blogger, I've signed up for my own online donation page.
You never know your luck, right? LOL might be some big sugar Daddy out there....

Here's the link :


http://www.gofundme.com/bodypiercing

Judge yourself before you judge me

This is a post not only for my very wonderful supporters, but also for the ones who think they have the right to criticize me.

I have been overweight for a long time, for many reasons. Some will assume it's due purely to laziness and overeating, eating the wrong foods. While these issues will crop up for EVERYBODY at one time or another, there are other reasons people can get stuck in the vicious cycle of weight gain. These are not excuses in any way, nor are they justifications for gaining weight.

But, weight gain happens.

For the past 10 months I have been losing weight, not much had changed at the start but I believe I may have started losing weight due to going off the contraceptive needle and the hormones working their way out of my body. This of course has been a positive change for me after struggling for years with my weight plateauing. It's given me the push to work harder than just all the walking that I do, due to not being able to drive.

So, I've been going to the gym. A big step for anyone, let alone for someone who is living with a social anxiety disorder. Taking yourself out of your comfort zone, out of your 'safe place', is not an easy task, when you'd rather be 'hiding' at home.

Social anxiety, indeed any form of anxiety, for me at least, makes you sometimes not want to be around/see/communicate with the entire human race pretty much. The fact that at my gym, if I want I can just put my head down and get on with it, suits me fine, if I want to chat, they know I'll initiate it. For the past few weeks I have forced myself into this situation but as they're understanding, it's getting easier. A gym with no men or mirrors helps too!

So I have been getting out of my comfort zone with the gym and last night, trying a boxing lesson with a PT with the Yummy Mummies group. To say I bit off more than I can chew is rather an understatement! You have the usual feelings of inadequacy surrounded by slim, trim ladies, but add to that the fact that they're strangers and you're in a front yard and there's so many of them? I could feel the panic building before I even got out of the car, but I was determined to give it all I could possibly give.

Naive me, I thought we were just punching pads for an hour! There was a very hard workout beforehand, and I felt buoyed by the fact that I wasn't the only one that was finding it difficult.

There were some exercises on the circuit that I felt I physically could not do, but I did find other ways to keep moving. I felt like it was very unfair to the others if I was standing around not doing it!

What I wasn't expecting was tears, I'm guessing out of frustration with myself and wishing I can do everything, to fit in. The funny thing about being part of the Yummy Mummies is it's kinda like that one disapproving aunt we all have...I don't want to do anything to get them cranky LOL, that's some motivation for you ;)

The awesome Danni, whose first time it was also (never would have guessed though!), talked me off the ledge so to speak and her encouragement kept me going. Being a big girl herself, she seems to really understand how I was feeling.

All went ok for a while, we were partners when we got to the boxing part, that was fun, until I threw up !!

That might have been the bit that upset me the most, strange as that seems. The thing you have to understand about a person with a social anxiety issue throwing themselves into a group of strangers with no escape is we fear the embarrassment, humiliation and being negatively judged.

So of course throwing up brought even less eye contact with everyone afterwards and I struggled with sleep last night stressing over "what must they think of me now?".

And I gave up. I felt bad for giving up, so I think that should count. I took the day off gym today and I don't feel the least bit guilty about it. I will go back tomorrow.

So, why all this? Because I have the best support system and encouragement, there are also those out there who have and will judge me, think I'm making excuses, think I'm not serious....

Well, all I can say is fuck you! You DON'T live my life, you DON'T walk in my shoes, you clearly have no understanding.

This is MY journey, if it takes a long time, so be it. It's not your concern. I WILL do it, with or without your opinions. I'm going to do what works for

ME